A Day in the Life of an Intern

Among the two companies I'm currently interning for, one is run by a hermit who scurries between the elevator and his office, and considers looking at me akin to staring into the eyes of Medusa. The other is headed by Dana Brunetti. You might not know who he is. Well, fuck you then. He made The Social Network. Ever heard of it? Anyways, I've been there for about a month. Let me run through a typical day. Let's say yesterday:

6:45 AM - Drag my ass out of bed. Normally this would be a PITA, but my girlfriend forgot to brush her teeth last night, so when she opens up to gripe about the alarm, it's like Biz Markie just crawled into out bed.

7 AM - Personal meditation time on the couch. Best two minutes and thirty seconds of the day.

7:10 - 9:15 AM - Work on the future doorstop I've been penning for three weeks.

9:20-10:30 AM - Tame the traffic on the 101 (Hollywood Freeway, a.k.a. Satan's lower intestine) by focusing on my next moves in the six different games of Words With Friends I've got going.

10:35 AM - 30 Minutes late. No one cares. The assistants nod. The dog humps my leg. Kevin Spacey seems to leer at me from a every poster on the wall. The VP is reading a comic book.

10:45 AM - 1:00 PM - Line edit borderline illiterate text from the company's affiliated podcasts, while simultaneously layering the text with subliminal messages for Dana to hire me full time as a story consultant, much as I've done with this past sentence to convince you to do something awful to someone in the next twenty four hours.

1:00 - 2:00 PM - Get lunches. If I screw up, I will be hung from the ceiling, de-pantsed, and eviscerated by the maid's vacuum.

1:54 PM - Dana nods in my direction. Holy TFS!!!! He looked at me. The creator of The Social Network, okay, technically the producer of the movie about it, okay the guy who found the project and brought everyone together and then stepped aside, looked at me!!

1:55 - 2:03 PM - Floating through Elysium on a cloud made of rainbows and titties.

2:04 - 4:00 PM - Researching Dana's accomplishments in life for his Wikipedia page update. In the process I discover that the man, the myth, the producer got his break at the ripe old age of 24, while working for an upstart cell phone company. He tried to cell (sorry, pun) a phone to Kevin Spacey, whom he'd never heard of at the time. Yeah, right. Since, as everyone knows creeps love telemarketers, Kevin quickly scooped Dana as his assistant. Six years later, he made him the president of the company.

4:00 - 5:30 PM- Deflated enough to actually consider sticking my head into the toilet and using the bidet to wash away my tears of disillusionment.

5:45 - Hope. I spy the other intern, Ted, on Craigslist. He's perusing the Casual Encounters section and sending vicious hate mail to each of the posters. This can't be real life. He has the exact same voice as Buffalo Bill too. I think I'm on to something. Working at an office run by the seven deadly sins killer, with copycat right under my nose. Who said anything about tears?

6:00 - 7:00 PM - Work tails off as I observe Buffalo Ted. It doesn't matter. Even if I don't catch this would-be killer, I've done such a good job on these podcast descriptions that they will have to pay me six figures as an in-house writer; they'll just have to. The assistant, who looks like he graduated from college in 2015, even tells me that if I put in my time, and pay my dues, after six months they might let me work on some of my writing here, and he'll give me feedback. Subtle fist pump.

7:00 - 8:00 PM - Driving home. 5 freeway this time. Traffic again averted because I'm following Buffalo Ted. He gets off at the LA Zoo exit.

8:00 - 8:15 PM - Buffalo Ted weaves his way up into Eagle Rock. Does he know I'm onto him? That wasn't the right exit. He stops at Señor Fish. I can't tell exactly what he's getting, but I'd guess it's fish tacos. Everything else there sucks.

8:20 PM - Buffalo Ted comes out eating a chimichanga. Dastardly! He takes three bites and heads toward his trunk. He checks to make sure no one is looking and pops it open. A muffled noise. A scream? He puts something inside. A moment later the chimichanga flies back into his face. Salsa drips off his chin like blood. A definite squeal follows. Buffalo unleashes a couple heavy rights into the dark space. The squealing ceases.

8:21 PM - Buffalo peels out. I pull my car over to the place where he'd been parked. There are drops of blood on the ground. Mother of God. What a good screenplay idea.

8:30 - 12:00 PM - Working on my new screenplay. It's amazing. It's incredible. Thank you Buffalo Ted.

12:00 AM - Girlfriend gets home from work and forces me to eat. I force her to have sex with me.